Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Do feelings ever go away? Feelings I mean like for an ex significant other. Like do they actually go away or do they get tucked away and covered up with feelings for someone new? Do you actually "get over" someone, or do you kinda just decide to stay in a neutral corner?

I thought I was totally over this someone and I ran into them (I don't know how or why this happened because since our breakup about 8 years ago I have moved counties). Anywho, I ran into my ex. Yes, it happened and it was the strangest thing ever. Seeing him was like nothing had ever happened in all the years since. It was like we had just seen each other  not too long ago. It was like old friends not skipping a beat. What the hell? How does this happen? Why does this happen to me after so many years and after being what I thought was happily married, and sharing three beautiful kids with a man that I am madly in love with. What sick fuck wanted this to happen? My heart skipped a beat, I blushed and giggled, laughed and played with my hair. He touched and poked me and I laughed, I did the same to him. OMG what was happening? What was I letting happen? I'm a married woman, I love my husband. Why is this happening? Does my running into him be considered cheating? This time I am spending with him talking, laughing, giggling, flirting mean that I am untrue? No, I would never do that to my husband. No way. What am I guilty of? He's just an old friend, an ex, and anyway its not like I have feelings for him anymore. Or do I?

I felt as giddy as a school girl. I remember when him and I first met and he first held my hand and I nearly fainted with delight. Or the first time he ever kissed me felt like I had fell hard from heaven to earth. It really was so strange to be with him again.  Why would I feel like this if he meant nothing to me anymore. If I didnt have "feelings" for him anymore than how is it possible for him to make me feel like this again? How is it possible that I "let" myself feel like this again. Well, I don't let myself do anything. Feelings just happen. You cant tell them what to do no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do. They stay and they are what they are. Even if you tell yourself, no this person isn't for me anymore, time to move on. You move on, but feelings don't go away. Well at least for me, I feel that they are always a part of me. As long as the relationship didn't end on a bad note, they remain in your heart and your mind.

I think its easy to say you are over someone when they have hurt you or created a bad image in your mind. You don't want to remember the bad but you do, and you can't help but let it tell you what to feel.
Those are the feelings you try and bury deep deep down and never remember them. You can try to drown feelings, but they always resurface... they don't disappear or evaporate, they are pushed aside and forgotten.

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