Saturday, December 10, 2011

Post Secret

I have always wanted to send secret to Post Secret. But the thing is I have too many friends and family that read those and my hand writing is unmistakable. I'd be afraid of people finding me out. I have so many things I need to get off my chest. I cannot believe all the secrets a 29 year old woman can accumulate in a lifetime. In just the last 5 years I feel like I can explode with all the things I have bottled up inside me. It's hard not having anyone to vent to. 

I think that is one of the reasons why I started this blog. I have a lot to say and well, anonymously is the easiest way to do it. No way to link it back to you. I wonder if writing a book would work? How would I go about writing a book? Do I just get a notebook, start to write and bring it to someone and see if its worthy? I'm sure my life secrets could make a spectacular movie. Just in my life from 18 years old to the present. I have lived fast but I have no regrets. Everything I have done I do not want to take back, they made me who I am and I am stronger for it. Even the bad things, I would never take anything back. In the moment I did them I had no remorse and though they were probably not good choices, it was a good idea at the time. 

Thinking about the things I have done in my life makes me wonder about the things my husband has done since we've been married. I have caught him with women's phone numbers and text messages on his phone. Hell, I found texts he was having with a bitch on our Valentine's Day trip to Vegas while I was in the shower, in the same room as him. I can't imagine the shit he did when he would go on business trips or working late for the union years ago. I think about the shit I'm capable of and he's older and has a worse track record than me, I can only imagine what he's done to me. He hid an 11 year old son from me that is now 15 from a previous relationship and I found out 6 months after we were married. Yeah, how am I supposed to believe that he's the only one. Maybe the only one he knows about. Who knows. 

I have been no saint though. I can't even say that I have been. I have been unfaithful in these five years of marriage. Only cheated with sex once though. Broke the ultimate "bro" code and slept with my husbands best friend. It's horrible because I am good friends with his wife and we spend lots of time together on double dates and weekends in Vegas and such. It's awful looking at her and thinking "OMG, I fucked your husband". Its hard to look at him and know, 
"OMG we fucked". I wonder if he still thinks about it? If he thinks about me when he sees me? I wonder what he thinks about when he sees me, when he sees my husband and knows that he has had sex with his best friends wife. I guess I didn't realize what I was doing at the time. I dont regret it, it was fun and a great time, but maybe I should have picked someone else to do it with. 

The other times were just dates with random men I meet on Plenty of Fish that usually ended in some kissing but nothing more. 

I get bored I guess. So I wander and do what I am not supposed to do. It completely destroys the wedding vows I took 5 years ago. I just don't feel like I am getting what I want from my husband. Don't get me wrong, we have tons of really good sex, thats not whats lacking. I want attention and to be taken out and wined and dined. My husband is my best friend, we get along great and love being with each other and spending time together. You would think there would be no reason for me to cheat. Hah, well, let me explain to you why. My husband is the most lazy, worthless, self loathing, depressing, unmotivated, mean and just plain hard to be around people. He is horrible at taking care of the children, he cannot lift a finger to help in any of the housework or chores around the house. He does nothing but smoke pot and sleep all fucking day long. He does not compliment me as a woman anymore, he never tells me I'm pretty or anything anymore. 

Its a sick and twisted relationship I know. So many times I want to go, take off with the children and never come back. Then I think about what life without him means and I then take back my decision of ever wanting to leave. Why? I wish I didn't love him, it would be so much easier to hate him and leave him. Though I do hate him. I hate him a lot. He stole my youth and destroyed it. He killed the life that was inside me. I used to be so happy and outgoing and with a great spirit and self respect. He has caused my self esteem to deteriorate and made me an angry person. I have days that I just yell at the kids for no reason. I don't even know why. It's the only way I can express my anger. I yell. It's not their fault and I do feel bad. My poor babies, they don't deserve that. 

They are the apple of my eye, my three beautiful angels. For them I will bring down the stars in the sky, I would do anything for them. Maybe I should think about making some changes in my life that will better their lives. Food for though, note taken. Goodnight. 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Do feelings ever go away? Feelings I mean like for an ex significant other. Like do they actually go away or do they get tucked away and covered up with feelings for someone new? Do you actually "get over" someone, or do you kinda just decide to stay in a neutral corner?

I thought I was totally over this someone and I ran into them (I don't know how or why this happened because since our breakup about 8 years ago I have moved counties). Anywho, I ran into my ex. Yes, it happened and it was the strangest thing ever. Seeing him was like nothing had ever happened in all the years since. It was like we had just seen each other  not too long ago. It was like old friends not skipping a beat. What the hell? How does this happen? Why does this happen to me after so many years and after being what I thought was happily married, and sharing three beautiful kids with a man that I am madly in love with. What sick fuck wanted this to happen? My heart skipped a beat, I blushed and giggled, laughed and played with my hair. He touched and poked me and I laughed, I did the same to him. OMG what was happening? What was I letting happen? I'm a married woman, I love my husband. Why is this happening? Does my running into him be considered cheating? This time I am spending with him talking, laughing, giggling, flirting mean that I am untrue? No, I would never do that to my husband. No way. What am I guilty of? He's just an old friend, an ex, and anyway its not like I have feelings for him anymore. Or do I?

I felt as giddy as a school girl. I remember when him and I first met and he first held my hand and I nearly fainted with delight. Or the first time he ever kissed me felt like I had fell hard from heaven to earth. It really was so strange to be with him again.  Why would I feel like this if he meant nothing to me anymore. If I didnt have "feelings" for him anymore than how is it possible for him to make me feel like this again? How is it possible that I "let" myself feel like this again. Well, I don't let myself do anything. Feelings just happen. You cant tell them what to do no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do. They stay and they are what they are. Even if you tell yourself, no this person isn't for me anymore, time to move on. You move on, but feelings don't go away. Well at least for me, I feel that they are always a part of me. As long as the relationship didn't end on a bad note, they remain in your heart and your mind.

I think its easy to say you are over someone when they have hurt you or created a bad image in your mind. You don't want to remember the bad but you do, and you can't help but let it tell you what to feel.
Those are the feelings you try and bury deep deep down and never remember them. You can try to drown feelings, but they always resurface... they don't disappear or evaporate, they are pushed aside and forgotten.

Friday, November 25, 2011

My first blog...

Well, for starters, I am 29 and a mommy of three beautiful children. 2 girls, 1 boy. Ages 1, 3, and 5. They are monsters, I can't even begin to tell you, but if you have kids you will understand me. Yes I know I am a busy woman. Cooking is my life and one of the only things that brings me true joy, happiness and fulfillment. I have been married for 5 years. I can't say that it has been easy but I cannot imagine my life without him. 

At this point in time, today, I can say I am happy with my life even though I know that things could be so much better. My husband is currently unemployed and sits home and sleeps all day while I go and work twice a week and make $40 a day. Its stupid and almost pointless but at least I have gas money to drive my son to and from school. I have no idea why he is so unmotivated and lazy. He just settles with getting by. Thats not enough when you have three kids. Your kids should be your motivation. Shouldn't they. It should be enough to get up in the morning and get out into the world and say okay, what can I do today to provide for my family? It's so frustrating to just see him waste away to nothing. Why can't he do anything for himself? He does nothing, absolutely nothing. Doesn't even clean the house while he's home or at least attempt to. The bigger question is why do I put up with this? I don't know. I always say, I wish I didn't love him because it would be so much easier to leave. I honestly just don't want to put my kids through the drama of visitations and split holidays and all the drama that goes with divorce. I always jokingly say I will put up with him until they are in High School because then they can decide if they want to visit him or not. 

Yah, then to my reason for living... cooking, the kitchen. I don't know what it is about cooking but it makes me happier than anything else. I am damn good at it too. It has got to be my talent. I love cooking for my family, i love throwing parties and cooking for crowds, throwing dinner parties, and the holidays of course. Cooking, baking, BBQ, and even good old fashioned smoking. Oh yes, BBQ and smoking meats are my specialty.  Cooking is like meditating to me, I relax, focus and get my mind of everything that is or could be bothering me. The kids know to stay out of my hair and my husband never tries to get involved. Its total and absolute me time. Maybe thats why I love it so much, because with three kids, I don't get much of that. 

I am happy to be starting a blog and I hope to keep up on it. My goal is to get on here at least once a day and talk about what my day consisted of and what I cooked for dinner. My focus being on what I made for dinner and maybe posting a picture and a recipe. With the holidays coming up I will be making chocolates, truffles, cookies, bread pudding and so many other bad things and I can't wait to show all of you all the goodies. I hope to have a great audience and lots of feedback. 

with love and kisses
Mrs. HKS