Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Do feelings ever go away? Feelings I mean like for an ex significant other. Like do they actually go away or do they get tucked away and covered up with feelings for someone new? Do you actually "get over" someone, or do you kinda just decide to stay in a neutral corner?

I thought I was totally over this someone and I ran into them (I don't know how or why this happened because since our breakup about 8 years ago I have moved counties). Anywho, I ran into my ex. Yes, it happened and it was the strangest thing ever. Seeing him was like nothing had ever happened in all the years since. It was like we had just seen each other  not too long ago. It was like old friends not skipping a beat. What the hell? How does this happen? Why does this happen to me after so many years and after being what I thought was happily married, and sharing three beautiful kids with a man that I am madly in love with. What sick fuck wanted this to happen? My heart skipped a beat, I blushed and giggled, laughed and played with my hair. He touched and poked me and I laughed, I did the same to him. OMG what was happening? What was I letting happen? I'm a married woman, I love my husband. Why is this happening? Does my running into him be considered cheating? This time I am spending with him talking, laughing, giggling, flirting mean that I am untrue? No, I would never do that to my husband. No way. What am I guilty of? He's just an old friend, an ex, and anyway its not like I have feelings for him anymore. Or do I?

I felt as giddy as a school girl. I remember when him and I first met and he first held my hand and I nearly fainted with delight. Or the first time he ever kissed me felt like I had fell hard from heaven to earth. It really was so strange to be with him again.  Why would I feel like this if he meant nothing to me anymore. If I didnt have "feelings" for him anymore than how is it possible for him to make me feel like this again? How is it possible that I "let" myself feel like this again. Well, I don't let myself do anything. Feelings just happen. You cant tell them what to do no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do. They stay and they are what they are. Even if you tell yourself, no this person isn't for me anymore, time to move on. You move on, but feelings don't go away. Well at least for me, I feel that they are always a part of me. As long as the relationship didn't end on a bad note, they remain in your heart and your mind.

I think its easy to say you are over someone when they have hurt you or created a bad image in your mind. You don't want to remember the bad but you do, and you can't help but let it tell you what to feel.
Those are the feelings you try and bury deep deep down and never remember them. You can try to drown feelings, but they always resurface... they don't disappear or evaporate, they are pushed aside and forgotten.

Friday, November 25, 2011

My first blog...

Well, for starters, I am 29 and a mommy of three beautiful children. 2 girls, 1 boy. Ages 1, 3, and 5. They are monsters, I can't even begin to tell you, but if you have kids you will understand me. Yes I know I am a busy woman. Cooking is my life and one of the only things that brings me true joy, happiness and fulfillment. I have been married for 5 years. I can't say that it has been easy but I cannot imagine my life without him. 

At this point in time, today, I can say I am happy with my life even though I know that things could be so much better. My husband is currently unemployed and sits home and sleeps all day while I go and work twice a week and make $40 a day. Its stupid and almost pointless but at least I have gas money to drive my son to and from school. I have no idea why he is so unmotivated and lazy. He just settles with getting by. Thats not enough when you have three kids. Your kids should be your motivation. Shouldn't they. It should be enough to get up in the morning and get out into the world and say okay, what can I do today to provide for my family? It's so frustrating to just see him waste away to nothing. Why can't he do anything for himself? He does nothing, absolutely nothing. Doesn't even clean the house while he's home or at least attempt to. The bigger question is why do I put up with this? I don't know. I always say, I wish I didn't love him because it would be so much easier to leave. I honestly just don't want to put my kids through the drama of visitations and split holidays and all the drama that goes with divorce. I always jokingly say I will put up with him until they are in High School because then they can decide if they want to visit him or not. 

Yah, then to my reason for living... cooking, the kitchen. I don't know what it is about cooking but it makes me happier than anything else. I am damn good at it too. It has got to be my talent. I love cooking for my family, i love throwing parties and cooking for crowds, throwing dinner parties, and the holidays of course. Cooking, baking, BBQ, and even good old fashioned smoking. Oh yes, BBQ and smoking meats are my specialty.  Cooking is like meditating to me, I relax, focus and get my mind of everything that is or could be bothering me. The kids know to stay out of my hair and my husband never tries to get involved. Its total and absolute me time. Maybe thats why I love it so much, because with three kids, I don't get much of that. 

I am happy to be starting a blog and I hope to keep up on it. My goal is to get on here at least once a day and talk about what my day consisted of and what I cooked for dinner. My focus being on what I made for dinner and maybe posting a picture and a recipe. With the holidays coming up I will be making chocolates, truffles, cookies, bread pudding and so many other bad things and I can't wait to show all of you all the goodies. I hope to have a great audience and lots of feedback. 

with love and kisses
Mrs. HKS