Saturday, December 10, 2011

Post Secret

I have always wanted to send secret to Post Secret. But the thing is I have too many friends and family that read those and my hand writing is unmistakable. I'd be afraid of people finding me out. I have so many things I need to get off my chest. I cannot believe all the secrets a 29 year old woman can accumulate in a lifetime. In just the last 5 years I feel like I can explode with all the things I have bottled up inside me. It's hard not having anyone to vent to. 

I think that is one of the reasons why I started this blog. I have a lot to say and well, anonymously is the easiest way to do it. No way to link it back to you. I wonder if writing a book would work? How would I go about writing a book? Do I just get a notebook, start to write and bring it to someone and see if its worthy? I'm sure my life secrets could make a spectacular movie. Just in my life from 18 years old to the present. I have lived fast but I have no regrets. Everything I have done I do not want to take back, they made me who I am and I am stronger for it. Even the bad things, I would never take anything back. In the moment I did them I had no remorse and though they were probably not good choices, it was a good idea at the time. 

Thinking about the things I have done in my life makes me wonder about the things my husband has done since we've been married. I have caught him with women's phone numbers and text messages on his phone. Hell, I found texts he was having with a bitch on our Valentine's Day trip to Vegas while I was in the shower, in the same room as him. I can't imagine the shit he did when he would go on business trips or working late for the union years ago. I think about the shit I'm capable of and he's older and has a worse track record than me, I can only imagine what he's done to me. He hid an 11 year old son from me that is now 15 from a previous relationship and I found out 6 months after we were married. Yeah, how am I supposed to believe that he's the only one. Maybe the only one he knows about. Who knows. 

I have been no saint though. I can't even say that I have been. I have been unfaithful in these five years of marriage. Only cheated with sex once though. Broke the ultimate "bro" code and slept with my husbands best friend. It's horrible because I am good friends with his wife and we spend lots of time together on double dates and weekends in Vegas and such. It's awful looking at her and thinking "OMG, I fucked your husband". Its hard to look at him and know, 
"OMG we fucked". I wonder if he still thinks about it? If he thinks about me when he sees me? I wonder what he thinks about when he sees me, when he sees my husband and knows that he has had sex with his best friends wife. I guess I didn't realize what I was doing at the time. I dont regret it, it was fun and a great time, but maybe I should have picked someone else to do it with. 

The other times were just dates with random men I meet on Plenty of Fish that usually ended in some kissing but nothing more. 

I get bored I guess. So I wander and do what I am not supposed to do. It completely destroys the wedding vows I took 5 years ago. I just don't feel like I am getting what I want from my husband. Don't get me wrong, we have tons of really good sex, thats not whats lacking. I want attention and to be taken out and wined and dined. My husband is my best friend, we get along great and love being with each other and spending time together. You would think there would be no reason for me to cheat. Hah, well, let me explain to you why. My husband is the most lazy, worthless, self loathing, depressing, unmotivated, mean and just plain hard to be around people. He is horrible at taking care of the children, he cannot lift a finger to help in any of the housework or chores around the house. He does nothing but smoke pot and sleep all fucking day long. He does not compliment me as a woman anymore, he never tells me I'm pretty or anything anymore. 

Its a sick and twisted relationship I know. So many times I want to go, take off with the children and never come back. Then I think about what life without him means and I then take back my decision of ever wanting to leave. Why? I wish I didn't love him, it would be so much easier to hate him and leave him. Though I do hate him. I hate him a lot. He stole my youth and destroyed it. He killed the life that was inside me. I used to be so happy and outgoing and with a great spirit and self respect. He has caused my self esteem to deteriorate and made me an angry person. I have days that I just yell at the kids for no reason. I don't even know why. It's the only way I can express my anger. I yell. It's not their fault and I do feel bad. My poor babies, they don't deserve that. 

They are the apple of my eye, my three beautiful angels. For them I will bring down the stars in the sky, I would do anything for them. Maybe I should think about making some changes in my life that will better their lives. Food for though, note taken. Goodnight. 

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